That's hitting the nail on the head; Ilya has never tried to run his own life based on what he feels or wants. That's just not who he is or who he's ever been. He just wants to make people happy.
The touch is foreign and welcome. It's rare that anyone outside his family touches him; he blinks at it, but doesn't dislike the feeling. Actually, even though he can't make heads or tails of it, he kind of feels warm, looking at how Topher cares and feeling his hand on him. He's never just been one of the guys before. Is that it? God, the world is huge and Ilya knows so little about how to even have a conversation it's embarrassing.
"I've never really had a say in anything before, about my powers or anything else. I-" Ilya can't admit to the full truth. It would sound insane and he doesn't want everyone to pity him or act like he's some kid who needs to be coddled. But his SHIELD handler told him he needs to open up and learn how to confide in people. Topher and Dolemeck seem like a good place to start, even if it's only a piece of the truth and not all of it. He takes a small breath and tries again. "I don't know if the word 'Chukchi' means anything to you, but I'm only half white. The other half, my mother's, is Chukchi. So I was never really a full person to most people." He meant to say citizen, but person might actually be a more accurate slip of the tongue. "I was kicked out of school because of it. I learned my powers by working in a mine. There wasn't much else I could do, with my background."
He swallows thickly and tries not to feel the familiar nagging feeling maybe he is exactly as dumb and bad as he was told he was and he deserved that fate. "This place is everything to me. It's all I ever wanted. And I don't want to screw anything up here."
This is the place where people actually touch the dirty Chukchi. Assuming Topher doesn't yank his hand away.
no subject
The touch is foreign and welcome. It's rare that anyone outside his family touches him; he blinks at it, but doesn't dislike the feeling. Actually, even though he can't make heads or tails of it, he kind of feels warm, looking at how Topher cares and feeling his hand on him. He's never just been one of the guys before. Is that it? God, the world is huge and Ilya knows so little about how to even have a conversation it's embarrassing.
"I've never really had a say in anything before, about my powers or anything else. I-" Ilya can't admit to the full truth. It would sound insane and he doesn't want everyone to pity him or act like he's some kid who needs to be coddled. But his SHIELD handler told him he needs to open up and learn how to confide in people. Topher and Dolemeck seem like a good place to start, even if it's only a piece of the truth and not all of it. He takes a small breath and tries again. "I don't know if the word 'Chukchi' means anything to you, but I'm only half white. The other half, my mother's, is Chukchi. So I was never really a full person to most people." He meant to say citizen, but person might actually be a more accurate slip of the tongue. "I was kicked out of school because of it. I learned my powers by working in a mine. There wasn't much else I could do, with my background."
He swallows thickly and tries not to feel the familiar nagging feeling maybe he is exactly as dumb and bad as he was told he was and he deserved that fate. "This place is everything to me. It's all I ever wanted. And I don't want to screw anything up here."
This is the place where people actually touch the dirty Chukchi. Assuming Topher doesn't yank his hand away.