Blackest Despair (Hana first, but open to others subsequently)

[seismic_shockwave]

WHO: Kayla, Hana, others likely
WHERE: Mansion, kitchens, etc
WHEN: Wee hours of the morning on Friday night
WHAT: Kayla hits bottom.
WARNING: Pretty unpleasant, self-harming behaviour, near-suicidal ideation

Things had gone from bad to worse for Kayla as slowly, slowly, she became more aware of how horrible things were. How she was increasingly incapable of feeling anything at all, how she seemingly just wanted to sleep forever.

She felt horribly guilty for what she'd been putting everyone else through. None of them deserved it, no more than they could understand it. Everything had come back negative. It wasn't mono, it wasn't any sort of organic depression. They'd tried putting her on antidepressants already, but they didn't do anyhting. It felt like her soul was gone and even the small things she used to enjoy were empty, cold and grey.

She didn't really feel the warmth of the sun anymore, not in any visceral way. Every bit of food she managed to choke down tasted of nothingness. She was dimly aware she'd lost weight- and she'd never been large to begin with, but it was so hard to choke down meals when one had no desire to eat. And the last time she'd tried anything with Brianna, it'd been ... she remembered not so long ago that even the smallest touch or slightest kiss could set her heart racing and heat coiling up inside her. Not so anymore. She hadn't felt desire or passion of any sort for weeks now.

Two weeks ago, she'd been comfortably numb. But now it was clear to everyone, not least of which herself, that things had spiralled downwards rapidly. She'd stopped paying attention to her appearance- her hair was a mess now and she only bothered with proper clothes when she needed to.

And tonight, it'd become intolerable. The desire to feel something, whatever that was. She'd stolen out of bed quietly and snuck down to the kitchen. She knew that the ordinary knives wouldn't do anything, but maybe the new set of kitchen knives might. She ... she just wanted, she told herself that she just wanted confirmation that she actually could feel something.

The arms were too obvious. She started by hiking up her pajama bottoms. She could pass off the cut as a mistake in shaving. If it made any. She tested the blade on the cutting board. It scratched a deep goove into the wood without any effort. And she could put a lot of strength behind it.

The first cut .. nothing. No sensation except a slight coolness from the metal.

The second time she tried harder. A tiny white stratchmark, less than she'd get from a backscratcher.

Again, as hard as she could. This time, she saw it. Tiny metal filings, coming off of the blade. Her flesh remained involate, invulnerable.

She'd only suceeded in ruining the blade.

When she jammed it into her palm, the blade shattered.

When all the knives had been ruined, she curled up in a tiny ball in the corner of the kitchen and wept.

Comments

[shadeblossom]

Hana didn't have any particular premonition or feeling. That wasn't her gift. She did, however, only need three or four hours of sleep a night, so getting extra prep time in the kitchen was part of her routine, now. Taking care of two boys, plus the whole of the Xavier's student body, meant a hefty amount of work and time. She made time for it.

What she found when she entered the kitchen tonight was not part of the daily routine. Not at all. She didn't often find students crying there.... certainly not amid a pile of ruined cutlery.

She had a really bad feeling about this.

"Kayla?" Hana approached her carefully, mindful of the metal shards all over the floor. "Honey, what happened?"

[seismic_shockwave]

"Omigod ... I'm sorry." She managed to mumble out between sobs, shaking, pale and clammy. There were scratches on her arms and legs, all superficial ones, much like one might get if they were scratching an itchy spot on their hands. Handles of broken knives were around her, making it pretty clear what had happened. In addition to the larger shards of broken knives, there were filings everywhere, on her, on the floor.

"I ... I just ... I had to feel something. It's like I'm already dead."

[shadeblossom]

"Nothing to be sorry about," she assured the girl as she picked her way over carefully and sat down beside her. The kitchen was a mess, but Kayla was a bigger mess, it seemed. Much more than Hana previously expected.

"It's going to be okay." She wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "We'll figure it out, I promise."

[seismic_shockwave]

It was easy to forget sometimes, with her superhuman strength and previously extraordinarily vivacious attitude, what a tiny thing Kayla really was. Just a few inches over five feet and petite. She seemed even smaller now, curled up into a ball. She leaned a little into Hana but said nothing for a moment.

"I ruined your knives." Kayla complained, illogically.

She almost said something about just wanting to die, but the fact was that she felt more like a ghost than a living being already. She really wanted to live, but she didn't know how anymore.

[shadeblossom]

"Oh, that's alright. I'll just tell them we need a new set." She wasn't foolish enough to think this was anything about knives. "Maybe we'll go shopping later and pick out some new ones, huh?"

[seismic_shockwave]

Kayla looked at her for a moment, and though she was clearly alive enough to be in pain, there was a deadness in her eyes.

"What's wrong with me?"

She wasn't sick, not with any disease that she knew of. And she had little to be depressed about. Her life had been getting better.

She knew Hana had no answers.

Nobody did.

She was going to die. Or kill herself in an attempt to gain some control over herself.

But it would hurt other people, more even, than this. She couldn't do that. Brianna and Rose and Bobbi and other people were counting on her. But it was so hard to muster up the energy to exist.

[shadeblossom]

"I don't know, sweetie. We're going to have to figure that out." She gave Kayla's shoulders a squeeze. "Do you feel up to talking to Rachel tonight? I think she's a good place to start."

Hana knew what whatever was going on in Kayla's head, Rachel was the most likely to figure it out.

And this is probably a good time to tell DK that Dani can probably pick up deathsense from Kayla

[seismic_shockwave]

"I ... I could." Asking her if she felt up for something was probably not the best way to phrase it. Kayla didn't really feel up to existing. But maybe Rachel could help, somehow.

[demonbearslayer]

It had been a restless night for Dani. She'd had vague, unsettling dreams of thrashing black wings, flocks of ravens descending on the Mansion. Her grandfather would have called it an omen, Dani wasn't so sure. Raven was a trickster that wore many faces, creator, protector, mischief maker, always hungry...

Hungry. That was it. A nice sandwich and a mug of hot cocoa would do the trick, and put her right to sleep. Yawning, Dani got out of bed, put on her robe, and made her way downstairs to the kitchen.

Ham & cheese? Turkey? No... Dani wondered if there was any of Hana's BBQ chicken left. She yawned again and stretched as she passed through the doorway into the kitchen. Then she gasped, staggered, and grabbed the door frame, swearing in a mixture of Ancient Norse, Cheyenne, and English. The air flickered and crackled around her body, then her Valkyrie armor replaced her robe and pajamas.

[seismic_shockwave]

Kayla's lifeforce was at a rather low ebb, and her will to marshal what she had left to her was rapidly declining too. The whole thing stunk of magic, foul magic. She was still curled up in a ball next to Hana, with a scattering of metal shards and filed steel around her, as well as broken knives and knife handles.

She barely noticed Dani, pale and shock-ridden and exhausted as she was.

[shadeblossom]

Hana started at Dani's entrance. She was on edge enough to have missed the sound of anyone coming in until the cursing and the shimmer of magic. Good thing they weren't under attack right now. Well, hopefully not.

"Dani... need a hand here." Man, was she glad to see another adult. Even one is battle armor.

[demonbearslayer]

Dani put her hand on the hilt of her sword and slowly stepped into the kitchen, eyes darting around the room looking for the source of the attack. Finding none, her eyes settled on Kayla.

"Something is very wrong here."

[seismic_shockwave]

Kayla shuddered and just nodded, not able to speak properly, just staring down at the ground.

"I'm sorry." Kayla repeated uselessly, the words coming out weak and hoarse.