nextgenerationmarvel | Getting to Know You (Ilya)

He swallows thickly, not sure what to do or think. He has an out. Dolemeck just gave him a magnificent one, a way to bow out and never bring up the whole truth again with a simple deflection of 'I'm not ready'. It's tempting. It's horrifically tempting to just abandon thinking and the past and fall headlong into this, this love, this moment, a world he finally has a tiny bit of control over.

But it would be lying. Lying by omission is still lying. So he takes a deep breath and tries to find a starting point. He won't lie to Dolemeck. He cares too much to do that. "The mines in Pevek were a cover. They - you know about Captain America, how he was given the super soldier serum and changed? The government was trying to recreate it, but everyone kept dying in the trial runs of the serums they came up with. So they took people who wouldn't be missed, trumped up charges to put them away in places like the mining camp, and then picked off people from that to try the latest attempt at a serum on. If it poisoned everybody and ten people were suddenly dead, it was a mining accident or disease caused by living in close quarters. It helped uranium was in the mines and that was legendary in how toxic it was.

I was picked as one of the people they were going to do a trial run on. It didn't work, obviously. But my mutations all got revealed at once, and they thought that meant it had worked. So they were going to send me to European Russia, to be trained. I don't know what they were going to do to me. I didn't have anywhere to run to and they promised me my family would be compensated. I was stupid. They could've had horrible plans and I just went along with it, got on the train like an obedient little olovyannyy soldatik."

Give him a moment. There's a lot of memories that stall him, make him have to take steadying breaths. He realizes belatedly his voice has gotten quiet and he's shaking slightly - he remembers the pain, writhing on the floor, things thrown about in a telekinetic maelstrom, telepathically crying out while his healing factor fought at the poison burning him from the inside out. The floor was cold, uneven wood. He thinks he'll remember that kind of tiny detail for life.

He falls silent, lost for a bit in the memory.

Dolemeck fell silent for a bit. He held Ilya against him, feeling him shake so badly as he spoke. This must have pained him so much. How could anyone... how could such things happen?

Instead of asking questions, he just held Ilya, allowing him to continue when ready. Applying pressure might cause more harm than good, so it was just best to sit and listen. Let him know he was there and being as supportive as possible.

His hands moved up and down Ilya's back, trying to keep Ilya from shaking so badly.

"The train was attacked, in the mountains. I think SHIELD hates how few answers I have about that, because they've questioned me on it over and over again, but I didn't see anything. It was night and it was snowing; I had never been so far south that trees were everywhere like they were in those mountains. I was watching the window when there was this huge, fiery explosion. Everything was too bright and everyone was screaming and I think I remember falling.

The train car I was in tumbled down the mountainside and landed in the Omolon River. It iced over, and formed an air bubble. I survived, but I was beyond hurt - SHIELD thinks I might have actually remade entire organs. I don't know the science of it. My healing factor kept going and I stayed unconscious and on ice until eventually, the ice thawed out enough to make the train car fall into the river, and I woke up."

He shuts his eyes to get through the next part, because he's too scared of seeing Dolemeck's rejection. "The ice melted because they built a dam upstream. I was in Pevek because Pevek had the only fully operational gulag at the time because I was in the ice for fifty nine years. Dolemeck, the reason I don't have family is because I outlived them, my town, and my government. I outlived my usefulness. A remnant like me is a liability to the current government, and if SHIELD... if SHIELD hadn't found me..."

And now he really is shaking, the kind of shudder that comes from the memory of icy water, blinding sunlight as he washed up onto the riverside, the cold cutting at him as the mountain winds blew across his exposed skin and tattered clothes. He curls up as if seeking shelter in Dolemeck's arms. He's such a freak. Even among mutants, he's something out of a horror story.

It was shocking to hear that Ilya was much, much older than he was. But his story did not appear to impact Dolemeck in the way he had feared. Instead, he continued to hold him as he clung to him. His green eyes closed, as his chin came to rest on Ilya's shoulder.

"I am sorry." His voice was a whisper. "I am sorry people treated you like some science experiment. I am sorry you lost your family, and can only imagine all the pain you are in. But I am not sorry that I still love you, Ilya. Your age does not matter to me, nor does what your government had done to you. What matters is... you. That gentle soul who smiled when I gave him a chocolate cake for the first time. Who gave me my first kiss. The young man I find myself just drawn to and never want to let go... despite our short time together."

"I love you," he whispered back, and he might be crying, he honestly can't tell because Ilya loses himself a little when he has to go over what happened - and SHIELD made him go over it again and again, until they had every detail they could get from him. "I don't lie to people I love. I know - I know all this is crazy and I don't understand why I'm here any better than you do but what happened is a part of who I am now. And I needed you to know all of me before you said you loved me, even the parts that are ugly." He nuzzled his head into Dolemeck's shoulder, taking shelter in his presence where things were warm and safe. "I couldn't keep what we have going on any lies, zvezda moya."

"Well, there are now more lies." He closed his eyes, feeling Ilya's head rest back on his shoulder. He continued to rub his back. "And I am glad you felt safe enough to tell me all of this. I will keep my promise, I will not tell anyone."

He wanted to melt when Ilya called him his Star, again. It now meant so much more than before. After all he lost, after all the torture he went through, Dolemeck vowed to remain by Ilya's side. He would do everything he could to protect him, no matter the cost.

"Do you feel better now?" He asked, trying to sound as gentle and caring as he could. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I feel better. Lighter, I guess. It's hard to carry it all inside and SHIELD just acted like I was this thing they'd discovered and wanted to study. I talked about it but they just made me feel worse. You... you never treat me like that. Not even now." He manages to uncurl enough to look at Dolemeck, feeling lighter inside and yet immensely tired. His eyes are teary, but the shaking subsides as he moves his hands against Dolemeck's side, moving up to his shoulders. This is real. This is the present. The past is in the past.

"You help just by being here. I know there's a lot in the future to look forward to, I just... I don't know if I could face it alone. Would it be stupid, if I asked you to just... hold me?" He's clearly embarrassed by that last part. It's hard to shake the old-fashioned values that a man has to be strong, but if they're both men, can he be allowed to break down, just for a bit?

"Aye, you can ask me that." His smile was reassuring as he held Ilya, then allow his body to flop on to the side, so they were both laying down. Ilya looked exhausted, so he thought that was a wise move to make, so he would rest a bit. His hand continued to rub at the other young man's back, just doing everything he could to let him know he was there and not going away.

"It's okay now, Ilya. It's going to be okay now. No one will ever treat you like that again." He whispered.

It's a more than welcome move, and it feels so good to press himself closer, get tangled up together and let the moment sink in. Just from having gotten that out he feels like he can breathe easier; the sun seems brighter and warmer as Dolemeck soothes him. The shaking stops.

"I know. I know, I'm fine. Or I will be. I have you now. I'm not alone," he said softly with a tone of real wonder in his voice. "And I'm not going to be." The thought calms the rabbit-like racing of his heart, and he takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry I threw all of that at you. I didn't know how else to explain it. I don't if I'll ever be able to talk to other people about it."

"There is no need to be sorry." He continued to speak in that hushed tone. "As I said before, I am just glad you felt safe enough to tell me this. And hopefully, we can work on a future in where you will have many happy memories to focus on."

Now perhaps was time to shift the conversation to something more pleasant. Now that all the skeletons were out of the closet and Ilya had calmed down.

"Would you like me to make you some clothes? Maybe a new blanket to keep you warm when it turns to fall?"

"I have happy memories from the past. They're just overshadowed, sometimes. Being out from under SHIELD's questioning helps. And you've already introduced me to new things and helped get me out from under all this. I should be the one trying to make you happy."

A startled, genuine laugh escapes him. He quickly smothers it with his hand and tries to explain himself. "Sorry, sorry. It's just - when a Chukchi woman wants to marry a man, she gives him a handmade quilt with a special gift wrapped up inside." And sure, they moved ridiculously fast, but even Ilya and Dolemeck wouldn't do marriage after their first proper date. (Hopefully.) "If he takes the quilt in, he's saying 'yes'. And then the family negotiations start."

"M-marriage?" His eyes went wide at that. "My brother would kill me if I got married before I completed school! Figuratively of course, not literally!"

There was a slight panic over the thought. And not because it was Ilya, but because they were still teenagers. Despite it being obvious Ilya was much older, Dolemeck still saw him as one.

"Well, now that I a Chukchi marriage tradition, if we ever... you know, decide we one day want to get married, when we're adults, I will know what to do. I will hand-make you a quilt. No machine, no powers, just a needle and thread."

His grin returned.

"Until then, you are getting a regular blanket from me, so you can stay warm."

"That would a phone call worth listening in on, though," Ilya grins, still chuckling. "And it'd have to be you. I can't sew up a hole in my own clothes, let alone a quilt. Though, who knows? Maybe I'll learn and surprise you one day, after we graduate."

It was a far-off thought, but a sweet one. Sewing couldn't be as hard as learning English was. Besides, some things were worth the struggle. Still smiling, he rolled his eyes.

"America doesn't even get a real winter," he pointed out. "We used to have days so cold that birds dropped dead from it back in Elvuney. Besides, the cold only bothers me now if it's at night. I - get flashbacks, sometimes. Of waking up in the river, in the ice."

"Which is why I am going to make you a blanket so warm, you will be able to have a comfortable night's sleep. With no Flashbacks, granted." Dolemeck playfully messed up Ilya's hair. "But I understand about the flashbacks. I get them as well, nightmares, too. If I hear the tires of a car squealing on pavement or someone slam on the breaks, I think about the accident."

Dolemeck thought for a moment, before looking at Ilya's face.

"If you have a nightmare or cannot sleep, you can come into my room and we will talk, okay? I still have no room-mate, so it would not be disturbing anyone." As much as he wanted a fun guy like Brody as his room-mate, it was determined he would go elsewhere. Between his chair and Brody's height... space within the space in Dolemeck's room would not be enough for the two of them to live comfortably together.

"And you would not be imposing, or bothering me."

"Alright. But only if you come to me, if you're having nightmares or flashbacks. Or just come get me - I don't know what they're going to do for my permanent living arrangements." A thought crossed his mind, and he threw it out there while he had the courage to do so: "You could ask for me to be your room mate. I don't take up much room and I don't have much stuff, just my clothes and a couple of books. And I don't sleep talk or anything."

Sure, the Headmistress was a telepath and would see right through that, but if they ran it by some other staff member, maybe it could work. "You'd get to learn Russian in whole new ways when I screw something up and swear my way through the Cyrillic alphabet. Eve my SHIELD handler thought that was funny and I'm pretty sure SHIELD surgically removes everyone's senses of humor who works for them."

"Alright, I promise to come to you if I have the same problems, Ilya." He could not stop smiling, even if he were hit right now.

"We could do that. Perhaps we should ask professor Ramsey later Today?" Truth be told, Dolemeck had longed for a room-mate since he got here. Having Ilya as a room-mate would be like being around your best friend all the time.

He let gave off a laugh as Ilya spoke about his cursing in Russian. "It could come in handy at some point. I do not know when, though. And you would be around when I video chat with my brother! And well... I still sleep with a stuffed animal."

"It would be nice to get to say hi to your brother. And to let him know you're not alone, since he sounds like the protective type." Ilya smiled, chuckling a little at the mention of a stuffed animal. "I never had toys like that growing up, but if I did, I would probably keep them. There's nothing wrong with a stuffed animal. I've kind of wanted one since SHIELD introduced me to the concept, actually. Is that stupid? I know I'm too old for that kind of thing but they had me test my light telekinesis on this soft pink pony toy with big blue eyes, and now I want one of my own."

He shuts his eyes and lets his hand rest on Dolemeck's hip. Dolemeck makes a surprisingly good pillow, all things considered.

"I can make you one." He continued to rub Ilya's back in small circles. "They are not too hard to make and I still have fabric left over from when I made Bobbi's penguin."

He then let off a small sigh, relaxing a bit more as they just laid on the picnic blanket. He had never been so close to someone, before. And it felt wonderful.

"You are never too old for a stuffed animal, Ilya. And if you want one, I will make it for you."

"Not hard for you. I once managed to create a hole when attempting to sew on a button. My mother kept the sewing needles out of my reach after that." He smiles at the memory. He'd pouted his fiercest pout at her and only succeeded in making his own jaw hurt, but it had been worth it to see her smile. "I don't know if I want one or not. I don't actually know what I'd do with it if I had it." No, really - what do you do with stuffed animals, anyway? SHIELD's explanation of the modern world didn't include that, just that stuffed animals were a thing now.

"Well, they are just an item of comfort." Dolemeck thought, trying his best to explain what the purpose of a stuffed animal was. "Parents or family members give children stuffed animals when they are younger, and many children keep them about as they grow up. They are soft, so you can hug them if you feel scared or lonely, or use your imagination to take them on adventures."

The sewing tales that Ilya told him made him laugh a bit. He shook his head, before gazing back into Ilya's eyes.

"No one knows how to sew at first. You will make mistakes, but that is how you learn." He leaned over to kiss Ilya's cheek, his shirt pulling up some as he moved, revealing many surgical scars on his back. "As long as you keep trying, that is what matters."

"I think what I took most comfort in was my wooden raven pendant. My mother made me one after my coming-of-age ceremony on Ryyanranot Island, since my father couldn't carve a thing to save his life. It was the only thing I kept through the gulag and the train crash, but SHIELD confiscated it after they found me and I never managed to get it back."

His hand moved to gently touch the scars, frowning, completely distracted. "I shouldn't complain. I can't imagine how much pain you've been through - and you were awake for at least some of it. I got to sleep through all of mine." It's a little awe-inspiring, how Dolemeck didn't let what happened bring him down, and Ilya resolves to do the same with his own issues.

"Maybe you could tell headmistress Ramsey? She might be able to talk to SHIELD and get it back for you." Dolemeck felt bad. His family was gone, and that was something he clearly cherished. "It does not hurt to ask her, Ilya."

There was a small sigh, feeling Ilya's fingers trace over some of the scars on his back. Despite the fact they were all surgical, they appeared quite large and ugly looking.

"I do have my bad days, Ilya." He hated to admit that. "I have days I feel sorry for myself, frustrated I cannot walk or run, even like I am bringing others down. My therapy group says those feelings are normal, and it is okay to have them. But I should focus on what I can do, now. Not what I cannot do."

He turned back, smiling at him.

"So, did this pink stuffed horse have a darker pink mane, and some balloons on it's hind quarters?" He was curious and just had to ask.

"I don't know. I don't want to bother her, but I don't know if I could explain how much it means to me, either. Maybe I should try. I just need to try and word it a little better."

Ilya kissed him chastely, just to comfort him with the knowledge someone was right here for him. "It is natural. Everyone thinks about what could've been. And I have days where I feel... I'm not sure if it's sorry for myself, but confused on why all of this happened to me. I don't understand what fate's grand plan for me is. Everyone has bad days. At SHIELD they told me not to apologize for them because people without bad days were usually unstable."

Blink, blink. Ilya hasn't had much exposure to TV, so to him that's an amazingly accurate guess at some obscure thing. "Er, yes. How did you know?"

Using his telekinetic powers, Dolemeck removed a tablet from the picnic bag he had packed. it floated over to him and Ilya and he tapped it a few times. While he did not have wi-fi this far out from the mansion, he did have some pre-recorded programs he could show Ilya.

"Do not tell anyone else, but I like the show where that pony comes from." He laughed nervously as the intro to "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" started to play before Ilya. "That pony comes from a cartoon show on the tellie that is aimed towards little girls, but almost everyone loves it! It is about these six ponies, each one has a different positive trait that they represent. They are all friends, and they go on adventures where they learn important lessons or help others in their land."

Ilya watched, fascinated, as the theme song played. "I love the colors. Everything is just so... cheerful. Oh!" he exclaimed as Pinkie Pie was briefly on screen. "That's the one they had a plush toy of - wait, why do people at SHIELD have pony toys?"

That makes him grin. Apparently, there's a My Little Pony fan on SHIELD's staff, but Ilya's not about to judge them. It's a cute show, and he settles against Dolemeck to watch, smiling. "This is the best date ever, Dolemeck. I mean it." And it was - Dolemeck had pulled him right out of his misery and given him a chance to dork out over a TV show like, well, like a normal teenager. It's perfect in its' simplicity, and everything is wonderful.

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Going to sleep after this tag, sorry.

Re: Going to sleep after this tag, sorry.

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